Losing Steam

Let's get this out of the way first off -- I should not be writing this.  We're all well aware that calling or texting deep into a heavy evening is a poor choice.  Given that, posting the content of one's disturbed mindset under such circumstances is so much worse.  The truth of the matter is that I'm done censoring myself.  I am finished nitpicking through what may or may not be acceptable.  I walk my own path, for better or worse, and this, here and now, is part of that.

Shit happens.  Having convinced myself that I have reinvented modern nihilism independent of Nietzsche, I recognize that much of our banal existence holds little meaning.  My expectations are too high.  I hope wholly too much.  I hold, very close to my heart, the intractable belief that someday the cards will fall my way.  Therein is the essence of faith.  Despite the longstanding track record of failure in my life, due in no small part to my own actions, I still fervently adhere to the conception that it all really will be ok.  I wake and pace about the world ever anticipatory of that grace.  Thus, disappointment strikes me hard.  I know that I have been the dealer of quite a bit myself, but that in no way tempers the sharp edge that bites into my flesh.  I imagine those things that do not exist and ask, "why not?"  I need some help here, folks.

As might be inferred from the title, the level of faith for me tonight is low.  Regardless, I need to say that if you are reading this, then you are a person that I hold dear.  You, in my mind, are part of the solution, rather than of the problem.  Thank you for the time that we have had together, thank you for all of the joy.  Sadly, I may not be capable of accepting all the good as sufficient.  And for that I am truly sorry.

More fun to come?  Cheers.